Fireflies Are Always There, Aren’t They?
by YamiHaruko
Summary: It's late and Soka and Tsu are trying to get paperwork done. But what happens when the two venture out into the night and stumble upon sakura blossoms and fireflies? Will things heat up or go horribly wrong? You're still a child, Soka... Chpt 2 up! R&R!
1. Fireflies Are Always There, Aren't They?

Author's Notes: Don't know where this is going, but I need an outlet. Set after Kyoto Arc. HisokaxTsuzuki hints. Written in Tsu's POV. Tell me what you think. All reviews accepted, but no flames unless used for lighting pants on fire because someone's lying.

Tsuzuki: YamiHaruko doesn't owe Yami no Matsuei or its characters!

YamiHaruko: Heh, we'll see about that. I'll get _you_ eventually, Tsu….

Tsuzuki: -nervous laugh- Will there be pie?

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_"The more extreme and the more expressed the passion is, __the more unbearable life seems without it. __It reminds us that if the passion dies or is denied, __we are partly dead." __- John Boorman_

**Fireflies**** Are Always There, Aren't They?**

I feel sorry for you. But I'm also envious.

As I sit here staring at you from across the office, I can only wonder what it must be like to forever be trapped in your youth. It must be difficult, I think, having to deal with racing hormones the rest of eternity. Heh, I can't help but laugh a little at the circumstance though.

But I envy your situation, Hisoka. There is simplicity to children, a sense of innocence we adults generally lose at some point during maturity. I just can't seem to understand though. More often than not, you act much more grown up than I do. Why is that?

Well…I know that answer. How could you not after undergoing what both your parents and Muraki had put you through? It's tragic really, that you had to grow up so fast, that you were unable to experience a real childhood. I understand, though. I suffered greatly through my own, but the fireflies, they were always there, weren't they?

But Hisoka, even after all you have endured you are still a child. You still have a pure innocence to you that was never tainted, not even by Muraki. Unlike this monster before you, this pathetic excuse for a human and a partner, there is glinting stardust in your gorgeous emerald gems, and it's something Muraki can never take away. No one can or ever will take away the firefly-sparkle in your eyes. It'll always be there. For eternity.

It's late now, and I can see the light of the moon reflecting onto the window pane. I sigh and lean back in my chair. It squeaks obnoxiously like fingernails on a chalkboard. Hisoka doesn't even flinch at the sound, his eyes distant as he focuses on writing the report from our last case. A young woman, a newlywed, was killed suddenly in a car accident a week ago. She refused to pass on until she gave her husband a proper goodbye. With a little of our help, she was able to see him one last time after he had finally fallen asleep. I can remember it vividly. She said nothing to her husband as she placed a chaste kiss on his lips. He murmured something incoherently while his hand reached upward for her, and we watched as she took his hand and brushed her fingers over his cheek with a fondness I can't possibly describe. She then turned back to us saying, "I am ready now," with tears, bittersweet ones, I imagine, brimming her soft, blue eyes. "He understands. He knows I will wait for him."

It was a deep tenderness and understanding that I have encountered several times in my work as a guardian of death, but each time it always stirs something up within me. And though I had at first felt much sympathy for Hotaru-chan, I was relieved and also happy to see that she could pass on without worry. And I was satisfied to know they would reunite one day.

Deciding to ignore the paperwork piling up on my desk, I got up and stretched my cramped legs and shoulders. I don't know how Hisoka manages to continue working so diligintly in such a position. I can't bear being hunched over doing paperwork for hours, hell, I can hardly stand being in this office at all. I would much rather be out enjoying the weather. The cherry blossoms are finally in bloom, but they always seem to make me feel a little sad-

"I know you're not done, Tsuzuki. It's already late, and I want to get out of here before morning. Sit down and finish your work before Tatsumi cuts your pay. _Again_." Hisoka threatened suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts. His emphasis on his last word made me stick my tongue out at him. _He's still a child_, I tell myself, _no matter how__ much__ old__er__ he acts._

"But Soka!" I replied, drawing out the vowels of his name with the best whining voice I had. "Look how nice out it is this evening! Can't we at least take a break?" I begged, pulling on my partner's blue, long-sleeve shirt. "You know I can't sit here too long!"

He made a funny noise in the back of his throat and rolled those beautiful eyes I loved so much. "You always have excuses, don't you?" Wait, I swear I heard a smile in his voice just then. Hm…must have been my imagination. "I'm not doing your work again." Yes, definitely my imagination. Hisoka's still a kid, but he would never show it if he can help it; he has too much pride for that.

I pouted, puppy ears drooping as my eyes found a spot on the floor. "I know that; I just want you to take a break with me." I admitted quietly, and when I looked back up at him, I thought I saw his cheeks turn red, but he turned his head away before I could confirm it.

"Fine. But only for a few minutes." He mumbled, still staring at the wall while reaching for his jacket. I bounced up happily, hugging his arm before running toward the door.

"Come on! I know just where to go!"

We walked in casual silence once we were outside. It was nice, in my opinion. In the endless evening breeze of cherry petals, it seemed as though we were in a different world, one that allowed all worry and sorrow and pain to simply slip away into the darkness and be carried away with the wind.

It was comfortable, I decided. Both serene and quiet, and I caught a glimpse of a small smile on Hisoka's lips. I found myself smiling as well when I glanced at him. Here was my purpose of living, my entire reason of existence. Kurosaki Hisoka, the partner who saved this wretched, unworthy life, and the child whom I exist for, only for. I catch my fingers twitching outward for his hand and snap them back quickly. He turns his head to look at me with a puzzled look. Damn, he must have sensed my slight anxiety. "What's with you?" he asks.

_Play dumb, __Asato!_ I laugh curiously with a grin, my heart racing a beat faster than normal. _Please don't notice! _"Hm? What do you mean by that?" I question as innocently as I can manage. He stares hard into my eyes a moment and I can feel my face heat up a little. He must have noticed that too, because he suddenly turns away and stalks forward a few paces ahead of me, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "H-hey! Wait up!" I stammer, stumbling slightly out of clumsiness to catch up with him.

"It's getting late. The chief is going to want that paperwork in." I heard him say from in front of me. "I don't want to be stuck here all night, so I'm going back. You should too, before you go into debt."

Ouch, harsh. He's over exaggerating, though; Tatsumi wouldn't really take away _all_ of my salary, right?… Damn, yes he would. I let out a sigh before yawning again and stretching up my hands to the falling petals. It's like snow in spring. "Come on, Soka, just a few more minutes? It's too sad to waste such a beautiful night indoors doing boring stuff!" I try to reason.

He stops walking finally and turns around to look at me. In that moment, our eyes locked with a force I can't explain. Amethyst and emerald, shining in the moonlight. Part of me wanted to look away from the uncomfortable gaze, like when you meet a stranger on the sidewalk and you don't know if you should greet them or just keep walking, but the other part of me wanted to stay lost in his eyes. Besides, Hisoka is not a stranger, and after a long pause I suddenly found myself moving toward him with an abrupt desire. I noticed the way his eyes changed, from deep wonderment to shock, and perhaps fear, but I selfishly ignored that one.

Before I knew what I was doing he was in my arms. He squeaked in surprise, his face red in embarrassment. So cute. "T-tsuzuki! W-what do you think you're-"

My turn to cut him off.

Very gently, very carefully, so not to startle him more than I had, I pressed my lips longing to his. It was awkward feeling at first, Hisoka having no idea how to react to my sudden forward gesture. And for a moment, my heart leapt with joy when I felt his lips respond back against my own, but merely a second later, my hope came crashing down when he viciously pushed me away, shaking and glaring. I've never seen his face so red before, but I suddenly couldn't tell if it was from embarrassment or anger. I quickly decided both.

"W-why did y-you do that?!" Hisoka yelled, his eyes hard on mine. It was then that I noticed…the firefly shine of his eyes, I sighed in relief, was still there. At least I didn't take that away from him.

Instinctively, I took a step forward and whispered his name, reaching out for him, but he only flinched away. "I-I hate you, Asato!"

Watching his small back disappear into the darkness seemed more like a dream than reality as the cherry blossom petals drifted slowly around me. They seemed to hold an illumination of their in the dark. The night around me echoed Hisoka's words. I finally dropped my hand from where I was still reaching out for him, praying that what had just happened was a dream. No, a nightmare. That I would wake up tomorrow morning and this entire thing never happened. I was sure my heart had shattered into a million pieces in that moment though. _How…how could he…_ I am more than aware I am undeserving of his compassion, of his strength, of his forgiveness, but that does not stop me from wanting it, needing it. I don't understand. He only uses my first name when he's really upset with me, but… How can he ask me to live only for him…how can he give me that purpose and simply push me away so certainly. _Hisoka…_

The say unrequited love is the worst punishment to be given to any creature. I understand that better than anyone else. _I know I don't deserve him, but haven't I suffered enough?_ Loving someone so deeply only to realize that they do not love you back is a pain deeper than any physical wound. I fall to the ground, lifting my hands back up to the sky of twirling petals and dancing fireflies. The blossoms always did make me feel a little sad. _I do not understand; what am I to you? __Something? Anything? Or nothing?__ How much longer do I have to wait, Hisoka? How much more pain will I have to endure before you know? _

My face is wet and my eyes are red and stinging from all the tears. _There's__ only so many tears I can shed. There's only so much I can take before I break down completely. _You can't force someone to fall in love with you. No matter how hard you try, unfortunately you sometimes can't break through their walls, and Hisoka…he has such a strong defense in his mind and around his heart. _Is it even possible to break through? Will you ever again show me the emotions you had for me in Kyoto? Please…I need to know, what do you feel with me? Hisoka…you really are a child on the inside, aren't you? Do you think in time you will ever grow up enough to have the same strong feelings for me that I have for you? I love you, Soka, but do you think one day you will be able to love me back? Will you allow me to live for you?_ _To love you?_Because the same way it isn't possible to force someone into love, it also isn't possible for you to stop those feelings.

Soon after, even when my tears refused to stop, a green-shining firefly suddenly hovered in front of my face. I stared at it for a good minute before I felt my lips curl into a tiny smile and lifted my finger out toward it so it could rest there. "The fireflies…you're always here, aren't you?" I feel sorry for you, for me. For us. But…I'm also envious. It must be so simple to be a firefly.

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End. Not sure if I'm going to continue, or leave it as a oneshot, so some comments and advice about that would be helpful. Got ideas? I'll gladly listen! I appreciate you reading and I hope you enjoyed! Just click over at your left and leave me a real quick review, ne? Thanks!

By the way, the name Hotaru means "firefly" in Japanese.


	2. Confusion of Mind, Uncertainty of Heart

Author's Notes: Here you go! Those of you who wanted Soka's POV, here you are. I really tried hard to get inside his head, but I honestly don't think I like this chapter right now. The sad part is that I had 3 different versions of this chapter and this is the one I decided to go with. But I had to put myself in the mind of someone I don't normally relate to in the show and think about how he would react to everything, so it was difficult to write. But I hope I did him some justice.

Anyway, I'm thinking this is going to be a three part thing. So here's number two! Part three probably will be written differently than these last two. Oh! And here's an **important **thing to note here. The first chapter has been edited a little. I added in some little stuff and fixed a few typos. The main change I want you to notice in the quote at the top, just above the title. Thanks so much! Please tell me how I did with chapter two, yes? I want to know if I made the right choice. Reviews make me happy. 

Disclaimer: Still don't own the show/manga. Surprised, aren't you?

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_"If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss or uncertainty, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater. So just knowI love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you" – Anonymous_

**Confusion of the Mind, Uncertainty of the Heart**

Four days. I haven't talked to him in _four_ days.

I've been ignoring him (or perhaps we've been avoiding each other), but he's been trying hard to act like nothing happened. Though it's still different. I'm a coward. I wish I was braver. …But I just don't know how to approach him now. Part of me doesn't want to see you. Part of me wants to hit you for what you did. And yet…another part of me is wishing I hadn't pushed you away, that you pulled me deeper into your embrace and deeper into that…

_Blush._ Dammit! Such an obnoxious, uncontrollable human gesture, blushing is. Was it really necessary to give that characteristic back to us in the afterlife? Surely that could have been a plus in death to not have it, seeing as how it is such a nuisance while living.

Sigh. I'm embarrassed. I don't know how to act or how I _should_ be acting after what happened. It's bad enough having to sort through other people's emotions, especially his; it's just far too confusing to add my own in as well. I don't know how to feel. This is so foreign to me. If I've never felt these emotions before, how can I fairly decipher them?

I don't think I'm ready for this. But his disappointment when I yelled at him…it was like running into a brick wall. I couldn't breath; I had to get away. I didn't know what to do, so I ran. God, I'm such a child. I knew Tsuzuki had strong feelings for me, but I didn't really know what…what they were necessarily. I suppose I mistook them for only friendship, denying what I was scared to admit. Because I can't seem to understand him, even when I can read his emotions. And even though I felt those feelings, he never before acted out on them.

Why would he…who would love me? I can't wrap my mind around the concept of love. I would never love me; I don't love myself. Why does he care so much? I'm far too much trouble, and he could do so much better. I feel how the others look at him, so why does he ignore them and not me? It just doesn't make sense, but I know his feelings are true because I felt how his heart skipped when I…_Blush_ (Damn this human reaction!) …When I…kissed him back. Just for that second. His eagerness scared me though, and I felt how his entire body seemed to shut down for a moment, numb at my reaction when I pushed him away. I hate myself for hurting him like that.

I've seen him a few times in the last couple days, and each time he waves at me while wearing that cheerful grin of his. But what hurts is the guilt I can feel plaguing his mind and constraining his heart. I hate it when he hides behind that smile. How can Tsuzuki just smile if he feels so terrible about what happened? It's so like him to hide everything inside; he's as much a coward as I am. He's so scared to let people worry over him. He doesn't feel worthy of their concern, but he's wrong, so very wrong.

Meeting him changed my life, and the way I view life and the people in it. No one ever looked at me without any trace of judgment in their eyes like he did and still continues to do. He accepts me. Feeling any kind of acceptance is something rare in my life, and he does so easily, acting as if I hold no imperfections. It's a naïve way of thinking honestly. It's childish to hold someone, especially someone like me who is more than damaged, up on a pedestal, but it's his way to see only the good in people, looking past the bad as if it holds no importance. He is very nearly a ridiculously good person, and I hate that he cannot see that for himself.

Slowly, I make my way across the lawn toward the library. That's one place I can go that's quiet so I can think without too much worry of being bothered. I don't have to deal with as many feelings from others that way. And normally, it takes him a while to find me in here. But, it's not that I don't want to see him. I just don't know what to say.

I slam my book shut with more force than I meant to. I can't even read I'm so distracted. My mind just can't let go of that feeling. _The warm feeling of his lips on my own…_ I touch my lips lightly before quickly pulling my hand away. It was such a strange experience, and Tsuzuki has always been a bit selfish in some ways, like when he summoned the Flame of the Serpent in Kyoto. Though…I was selfish as well for disrespecting his wishes like that. But I refused to let him die. I...didn't want to be left alone. If he existed only for me, it was enough. But his eyes then…they were a void of sorrow. I have never seen such sadness before. Tsuzuki had given up completely, his terrible guilt complex finally eating away at him. I never want to see that degree of pain and grief again.

But I pushed him away; therefore, I was the lone cause of the regret in his eyes once again. Dammit. Tsuzuki…why do you have to make things so complicated? My defenses are so well structured, so unwavering, and you've already begun trying to tear them down unknowingly. I'm not even sure I would be able to survive the exposure. You're my partner, Tsuzuki. You helped me open up and learn to trust again, but I don't know if I love you because I'm not sure if I'm even capable of the sentiment. I don't understand you, or myself, or any of these feelings that seem to be suffocating me even as I try to sort them out. I'm drowning in self-doubt and paralyzing insecurities. How can I be sure of my feelings for you? Is it just a strong friendship or something more? I don't know what I want and it's so confusing.

After finally giving up on reading, I head back outside. A walk always helps me clear me head. Maybe I can find an answer. I know I'm hurting you, Tsuzuki. I know I am, and I feel absolutely terrible. It's unfair, and I'm sorry I can't give you an answer. I'm sorry I can't give you the one you want, at least not yet, if ever. I just fear I'm too young to understand. I am still just a kid. You're putting up with so much, and you're amazingly patient to have lasted this long. I know I have a bad attitude, and I'm more than a little messed up, but still, you're waiting for me. Why are you so determined? You shouldn't care about someone like me this-

Ah! A familiar pain suddenly shoots through my body, a burning, a throbbing, like something is awakening within. Like someone is stabbing every inch of my skin with needles. I fall to my knees, desperately holding myself as I feel the cursed lines skip across the skin of my body almost sadistically. Memories, ones I wish I could banish from every corner of my mind, flash before my eyes with lightening speed. I'm shaking, I can feel it. Then there's a pressure in my head…great apprehension…anxiety… "Hisoka? Hisoka!" Closer now…_distress_…I can't make out the others, because I feel myself slipping as everything goes black. _Tsuzuki…_


End file.
